Down On The U.S.A"
A SuperTour 2005 Shooting Blanks Tour Diarrhea
1 - SATURDAY, MAY 21st, 2005
Tour got off to a rocky start. Brey exceeded his usual 45-60 minute
tardiness and arrived over 2-hours late, causing us to miss out
on 120+ minutes of quality drinking time. It was okay, though, because
of all the cocaine and heroine we did in the morning we were
excited for the week of fun to come!
loading the car up with our equipment, we were blessed with an omen
- for the second year in a row, we encountered another
dead bird. It was a sign of good things to come! We named him
Sticky, and we speculate that he must've been related to our friends
from last year, Shooting
first stop was St.
Louis, MO. Driving to St. Louis is extremely uneventful. It's
mostly all in Illinois. We did get to see a guy in a kilt at some
gas station, but that's it. Our car is pretty pimped. It's got a
DVD-player built in, but no one in the front can see it. Brey and
I enjoyed watching movies while taunting
Scotty and Deech, who were in front.
also watched some pretty weird porn that I found. You can see some
I think it's called "Monster Anal" or "Monster Cock"
or something like that. The plot was lacking, but it was action-packed.
arrived in St. Louis with some time to eat dinner. Scotty almost
ruined his appetite with Gummy Bears. Scotty REALLY likes Gummy
Bears. We ended up hitting up Applebee's - our waiter was a guy
named Lucky, and he was clearly hitting on Deech. It's bad enough
that Deech takes all the women from us with his boyish good looks,
insatiable charm, and enormous genitals, but it's just rubbing his
greatness in our faces when he steals the dudes too.
Deech got a handjob in the back alley of Applebee's from Lucky,
we headed to our first show - Frederick's
Musical Lounge. This place was pretty badass. When we first
arrived, we were greeted by a new friend - Tour
Cat. Tour Cat was way
cooler than any of us will ever be, and he can jump higher too.
When we walked in, the uncut version of "Team America"
was playing. Deech and Brey had seen it, but Scotty and I had not.
We missed the first half or so, but what we saw was pretty fucking
funny, so I highly recommend it...
I do NOT recommend, however, is Stag
Beer. It's pretty bad. But it was also 100% free, so that didn't
stop us from drinking it all night long.
show was super kick-ass (despite the fact that Shooting
Blanks was playing). By coincidence, 3 out of the 4 bands playing
were from Illinois (and two of them from the Chicagoland area).
For some reason, St. Louis seemed to really like us a shitload (1
but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that we played last,
so everyone in the bar was pretty well in-the-bag by the time we
hit the stage. We definitely wanna thank a handful of Chicagoland
SuperFans that made the trip out to see us, as well as the guys
& Eights for offering us up their homes and beer. We also
finally got to meet the legendary SuperFan from St. Louis who got
the first ever Shooting Blanks tattoo back in 2003! (1
the show, we got invited to some house party. I don't know where
this place was or who's house it was at, but it was fun because
there was beer and broads - both for free. Also, a couple houses
down from the party we found a cross in the front yard, so we re-enacted
The Passion Of The Hoff (1
And then I humped
a lawn frog.
the party, we were going to start to drive right to Memphis that
night to get there early, but after about 30-seconds on the road,
we realized that was a stupid idea, so we got a hotel nearby. We
were up until like 5am
giggling and doing makeovers and talking
about boys doing badass rock'n'roll stuff that you probably
wouldn't understand. At some point after we arrived at the hotel,
we got Jack In The Box. Deech said that he didn't want to eat, so
Brey, Scotty, and I just went. But then when we arrived back at
the hotel Deech had consumed an entire 6-lb bag of beef jerky that
he bought to last him the entire tour. Deech showed that beef jerky
who was in charge. I anticipate an average 10-15lb weight gain per
band member before this tour is over. And it will all go straight
to our cocks.
stuffing ourselves with shit-ass fast food, we continued to intoxicate
our bodies. Then we created a game called "movie charades"
where Brey successfully guessed my Oscar-worthy recreation of the
climactic escape scene from "Goonies". After that, we
passed out and Scotty had dreams of Gummy Bears dancing in his head.
2 - SUNDAY, MAY 22nd, 2005
2:03 PM - We're in the van on the way to
Memphis right now as I type, and we're in the midst of an interesting
discussion. The first question posed was if we'd bang a guy in the
ass for $100-million. Scotty and I said that we would. Does that
make us gay? Or just greedy? Hmmmm....
said that it would depend on the guy. Brey said that he definitely
would not. I can only assume that he misheard the question, and
thought we were talking about banging a girl. The next
question was if we'd get a blow job from a guy for $100,000. Scotty
and I said definitely not, but Brey and Deech said that they would.
Deech probably had Lucky from Applebee's on his mind. The final
question was if we'd rather bang Punky Brewster (at her current
age) or Sabrina The Teenage Witch (also at her current age). Scotty
and I took Punky, Brey took Sabrina, and Deech wants to nail the
guy who played Punky's dad, Henry.
I've learned the following in the last half-hour:
feel slightly more safe sleeping in the same hotel room with Brey
now, knowing that he won't fuck me in the ass while I sleep, even
for a boatload of cash.
has a fetish for old thespians.
Soleil Moon Frye is in Memphis, she better watch out cuz there's
a Scotty/Hoffman gangbang coming her way.
PM - We just stopped at Best Buy. Brey found "Punky
Brewster: Season 1" on DVD. I'm currently aroused.
RECAP - We had some time when we finally got into Memphis
to get some food before our show. Brey was driving, and he decided
to play a game where you try and get from Point A to Point B in
the most inefficient way possible. Well, it wasn't so much a "game"
as it was the fact that he was just a nutsac behind the wheel.
finally got Taco Bell and then headed to Graceland (1
to check it out. There was this big
wall that you could write whatever you wanted on. There was
mostly stuff like "King, we'll miss you" and "Elvis
is king", but what that wall really needed was "www.shootingblanks.net"
or "Elvis likes balls in his throat". Unfortunately, we
had misplaced our marker, so the Graceland wall escaped the juvenile
debauchery of Chicagoland drunkPunk.
stopped back at the hotel room so that I could get my modeling photoshoot
and Brey could watch "The Contender" before we rocked
balls. That's when we got our first glimpse of Scotty's "dark
side". When Scotty starts drinking
and watching sports, he gets very violent.
He was beating us and yelling at us and making us want to cut ourselves
and get eating disorders.
for the show, right?!......not so much.
pulled up to Murphy's,
and the first thing we saw was a van full of senior citizens getting
in their wheelchairs. We walked into the bar and stuck out like
sore thumbs. You could almost hear the record screeching to a stop
as we stepped through the door, and the heads turned.
I'm not one to not play a show just because the place sucks and
no one wants to hear us......that's why we have Scotty in the band.
Being the voice of reason, Scotty advised us to slowly back out
of the bar, and then turn and run to Beale Street as fast as possible.
There was a bit of debate behind the ethics of "show ditching",
but it was decided in the end that when on tour it's much more important
to get drunk and have fun than it is to play music. A decision,
in hindsight, that I agree with 100%.
off to Beale
Street it was. Bars, bars, more bars, and horses
with HUGE cocks. There were two main highlights of Beale
Street - one was that you could walk around and drink outside,
and the other is that every block or so you could get MONSTER-sized
beers for only $5.00!!! (1
walked around for a bit and scoped out the bar situation. I wanted
to go into Pat
O'Brien's, cuz it was making me so
fucking hot and I wanted to fucking go crazy in it, but we decided
to go to some other club instead. There's a lot of live music on
Street, but somehow Scotty didn't seem to be in any
of the bands! It was certainly odd. The first bar we stopped in
had some funk band playing while a large group of white people line-danced
to it. It made me realize that any stereotypes that black people
have for white people are 100% justified.
hit up a few other bars, including a pretty badass dueling
piano bar called Silky's
where I got some fat-ass
chili cheese fries in order to ensure my beefcake "tour
weight gain". I figured that eating that pile of crap was a
good idea because I know that the only thing girls like more than
short guys are short fat guys. Look
was really nice outside, so we sat
outside and drank. There was a group of hot girls walking around
with their token ugly friend. Brey had the idea to hit on the troll
in hopes that it would "open the gates" to the other women.
Admittedly a good idea in theory, but what Brey forgot to take into
account is that even girls who would normally have to pay
for sex want nothing to do with the gentlemen in Shooting Blanks.
And that's when we met Quintel...
good ol' Quintel. Quintel is this homeless guy. He was pretty crazy,
but only in the scheme of non-homeless people (homed people?).
For being a bum, he was actually pretty sharp. He did some magic
tricks for us and told us jokes. It was like having our own little
smelly, loudmouth, drunken clown!
where stuff starts getting typical. We had almost gone a full 24-hours
without someone hitting on Deech, but that sparkle in his eye had
stolen Quintel's heart. When Deech got up to go to the bathroom,
Quintel began to wax romantic to Scotty and myself about what a
great catch Deech is. I'd like to say that what I'm typing right
now is just me making jokes or being sarcastic, but at the risk
of being a boldfaced liar I cannot, in fact, say that.
got to hear how Quintel likes Deech because he's always smiling,
and how Quintel thinks Deech is the greatest guy in the world, and
how Quintel thinks Deech is awesomeness personified, and how Quintel
wants to frolic in fields of daisies hand-in-hand with Deech. How
cute. Quintel left when Deech broke his heart by telling him that
things were getting "kind of serious" between him and
Lucky, the Applebee's waiter.
streets were clearing out, and we decided to head back to our luxury
suite. Deech was on the ball earlier in the day and got beer, so
we had some cold Coors waiting for us in the room. More drinking
grab-ass crazy rock'n'roll stuff that you probably wouldn't
understand ensued. We played more "movie charades" (I
swear this game will be a pop-culture phenomenon once it catches
on), highlighted this evening by Brey's amazingly accurate portrayal
cap off the evening, Scotty and Deech went to get some chili out
of a vending machine, and it was off to dreamland. Scotty had a
hard time getting to sleep at first because he hadn't had his Gummy
Bears all day, but after we tucked him in and sang him a lullaby,
all was well.
3 - MONDAY, MAY 23rd, 2005
This day was long and boring. We had to get up early, all hungover,
and drive 10-hours straight to Austin, TX. Now's a good time to
talk a bit about the Keys
Of Discipline. Here in Shooting Blanks, we run a tight ship.
No fucking around or goofing off, or you are reprimanded. Part of
the boot-camp-like regime of Shooting Blanks consists of getting
the Keys Of Discipline thrown
at you. If you get hit with the keys, you are forced to drive,
and driving sucks. What else sucks is being the
new guy in the band, cuz then you get the Keys Of Discipline
thrown at you all the time.
Scotty ended up making the entire 10-hour drive by himself. What
a trooper. We're considering making him a salaried member of the
band, but we'll have to discuss it with our HR Department once we
get back to Shooting Blanks Headquarters in Chicagoland.
of the drive took us through Arkansas.
We never realized how stupid Arkansas was until spending hours driving
through it. First off, they can't even come up with their own name.
Kansas spent all that time coming up with "Kansas", and
then Arkansas just goes and sticks an "Ar" in front of
it. Then, on top of that, they can't even come up with their own
city names. Again, they just steal other cities names and
combine them. How the fuck do they get away with shit like "Arkadelphia"
And sometimes they don't even try to change the names -
it's just flat-out
theft! Then we ended up finding a restaurant called
you, Arkansas. Fuck you.
for a while it was just driving, driving, and more driving. Scotty
kept getting frustrated cuz big-ass trucks kept cutting
him off and then driving really slow. Luckily, we know how to
cheer up our little buddy, so we got him some Gummy
Bears to calm him down. We found a lot of really stupid town
names too - mostly in Arkansas (1
Fuck you, Arkansas.
also saw some awesome SUPER-carnage. Dallas's major expressway was
completely shut-down in both directions due to an insane
. Lots of death and wreckage and stuff (1
There were helicopters (1
and news people and everything. I was shocked.
arrived in Austin, and we had the night off, so we immediately decided
to just go drinking heavily. We met up with our friend Blake
who is out here with some chick Renee for their work or something.
I forgot to bring the camera when we went out, and I am still kicking
myself for it, as Brey was in rare form. I'll do my best to recount
the main events, but without photographic evidence, you'll just
have to do your best to conjure-up some mental imagery...
spent the whole night on 6th Street. I dunno how that place makes
any money because we were drinking $1 bottles and $1 well-drinks
all night long. It was fucking great. Deech, Scotty, and I wanted
to check out the club that we'd be playing at the following night,
so we went off to do that, and we left Brey and Renee to their own
devices. After we had a drink at the club, we went back to catch
up with Brey. We found him wearing a Phil
that it took was that first glance of seeing Brey walking around
in public with a "Phil Collins Farewell Tour" shirt on
for us to know that it was gonna be a good night. MUCH much more
drinking ensued, and Brey ended up dancing on some stage to "Pour
Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard. Brey's stage dance moved
out onto the floor of the bar where he immediately became the main
attraction. The entire bar full of strangers had their cell phones
out and were taking pictures of him. It was super-badass. But it
didn't stop there....
what Blake told us, this Renee girl wasn't much of a drinker. But
she was drinking this night, for sure. So much so, in fact, that
it appeared she had taken a liking to Brey. I mean no knock to Brey
by saying that - it's just that there's only two reasons why any
girl would pick any one of us over Deech: alcohol or chloroform.
And I'm pretty sure that Brey left his "fun rag" in the
it was becoming very clear that Brey's chances with this chick were
like 99%. There was virtually nothing he could do to screw
up this hook-up, short of, like, waving his genitals in her face
in public or something...
Brey waved his genitals in her face in public.
yes - how women can resist the John Brey charm is beyond me. So,
back to the hotel it was. Renee went upstairs to her room by herself,
Brey passed out right away, and Deech, Scotty, Blake, and myself
continued drinking and (inevitably) playing the hot new game that's
sweeping the country, Movie Charades™! The Movie Charade™
highlight this evening: Deech's dead-on rendition of the 1986 classic
"Short Circuit". Brilliant.
4 - TUESDAY, MAY 24th, 2005
This was a relatively uneventful day, overall. This was our first
day that we didn't have to drive anywhere, so we drank
a bunch and sat out by the pool at the hotel. Scotty got fried pretty
well, and Deech's
knees got all sunburned too. Well, he says it's sunburn,
but he has been spending a lot of time on his knees this
trip, so it could just be "wear and tear".
Deech, Blake, and I went out to get some food while Brey stayed
in the hotel to
masturbate take a nap. The restaurant was
pretty fancy, and we got huge
glasses of some Texas beer called Shiner. I was fortunate enough
to not only be able to drink my beer but also wear it,
because the waiter (it was his first day on the job) spilled the
whole tray of monster beers on me. Prior to that event I had always
thought, "wow, it would be pretty badass to be covered
in beer", but now not so much. It kinda sucked. On the
plus side we got all the beers for free, and Scotty
got some tail.
that, it was time to head out to the show at Redrum.
We decided to "spice things up" a bit and actually play
the show this time. We played with a really cool band called
They were actually from the Austin area, and they answered all of
my questions about the authenticity of the show "King Of The
Hill". I found out that there is no Arlen, TX, and there is
no such thing as Alamo beer, but there is a Tom Landry
Middle School. Awesome.
itself was fun. Blake and Renee came out to watch, and there
was a handfull of people in the audience too. Brey thought we played
terrible, but it sounded like any other Shooting Blanks shitfest
to me. We sold some CDs and stuff, so some people were
stupid enough to like us. After the show, Brey - being the gentleman
that he is - apologized to Renee for showing her his penis the night
before. Very thoughtful.
the show we took some shots and headed off to a restaurant/bar
nearby. Renee did some trick where she tried to make an Equal
sugar packet look like a bag of cocaine, but it just looked like
packet to me. I found two people having an affair, so I pretended
like I was a
"Cheaters" photographer. We continued to drink more
really big Texas beer (1
and draw stupid things on a chalkboard in the bathroom (1
was pretty much all the fun we could handle for one day. We knew
that we had to get up at the asscrack of dawn to drive 9-hours and
make it to our show in New Orleans the next day, so we turned in
early at like 2am. Walking to our car we saw a lot of Austin cops,
and they all dress super-gay with really
short, tight shorts. I couldn't see taking them seriously, if
I were ever getting arrested in Texas. We got some food on the way
home, and then Brey
humped Deech and I
humped Scotty, and then we passed out.
5 - WEDNESDAY, MAY 25th, 2005
2:15 pm - we've been on the road for just over
4-hours. Driving usually sucks, but today is the day that Deech
and I get to drive, and that's always fun because it tends to freak
out the other passengers in the car. For instance when Deech almost
rear-ends a truck because he's just trying to multi-task by text-messaging
while driving, Brey and Scotty get all "scared"
and yell at us. We had to wait until they fell
asleep before me and Deech played the fun road game "Who
Can Close Their Eyes And Drive Between The Lines The Longest".
it's about time for me to take the wheel again. Perfect timing,
too, since I just polished-off the last of the vodka and my acid
trip is just starting to wear down. Or maybe not - I just
saw Scotty rise
up from a warehouse on the side of the road. Fuck - this'll
be a fun drive! I'll write more later
if once we get to New
Orleans. I'm tired too - maybe I'll get
some rest while I drive...
RECAP - The drive to Louisiana
was fun. Well, Deech and I thought so, at least. Safety sucks! We
shuffled all the songs on the iPod (thousands of them) and made
a rule that we had to listen to any song that came up.
Sometimes that really ate
a load of ass. But sometimes it was super awesome - like when
we got to hear Queensryche,
was completely disgusted with.
we finally made it to New Orleans in one piece. I apologize in advance
to any New Orleans locals that may be reading this, but your city
is complete shit. It's all swampy
and full of bugs and urine and vomit and filth. New Orleans
is a "city" in the same way that a port-a-potty is a "bathroom".
Other highlights of the aforementioned drive was a sweet Michael
Bolton billboard and hitting
the biggest bug ever.
show that night was at a dive bar called The
Dixie Taverne. Again, we decided to play the show, this time
only band at the club. Much like the city of New Orleans, the
bar was a total
shithole - they didn't even have fans with enough blades to
facilitate any practical use (1
But the owners and patrons there were really nice - the bartender
even made a tip
jar for us (which, amazingly, people actually contributed to!).
friend from Florida, Paulie,
came out to the show with a chick named Jessie
that looked like Laurie Loughlin (Uncle Jessy's girlfriend,
Becky, from the TV show "Full House"). The show was pretty
dead, but we got free Natural Lights, so all was not lost. Before
we hit the stage, Deech got a text message telling us that Carrie
Underwood beat out Bo
Bice to become your next American Idol. Bullshit!
we showed New Orleans how to rock, the bartender asked if anyone
wanted to "ring the bell". Brey
volunteered, and the joke was on him cuz it turns out that if
you ring the bell (by smashing a beer bottle on it) you have to
shots for everyone at the bar. But then the joke was on us,
because we had to drink
well-shots. There's few things more gut-wrenching then throwing
down 2 ounces of piss-warm generic gin and some no-name whiskey.
I got beat with the Branch
Of Discipline and Brey puked
outside really quick, it was off to Bourbon
Street for some reckless debauchery! I tried to see
some vaginas, but they wouldn't let me in. Then Brey tried to
some cock, and they wouldn't let him in. We decided
to cut our losses on not being able to see genitals and get some
beers. Even though these monster beers were only $5, Deech got
a little pussy beer. Ha! - stupid Deech. Let's all take a minute
at him.......oops - I think we hurt
his feelings. Sorry, Deech.
Brey got the most drunk on Bourbon
Street. I only make that assumption based on the following things
that I saw Brey do:
but who am I to talk? - I was humping
a giant hot dog.
the Bourbon Street hijinks, we parted ways with Paulie and Laurie
and headed back to the hotel. I realized at this point that I had
not yet tried to fit myself into any small, uncomfortable places,
so I aimed for a dresser drawer (1
After several unsuccessful attempts, it was time for the most action-packed
edition of Movie Charades™ yet!...
and Scotty looked
on with shock
as I did my "Spiderman" re-enactment - climbing
up the skyscrapers of the city and flying from building to building
using my kick-ass webs! (1
In the end, it got mixed
reviews. After that, we finally decided to go to bed since we
had to drive 9-hours to Atlanta the next day, so Brey passed
out under a desk.
6 - THURSDAY, MAY 26th, 2005
It was Brey and Scotty's driving day. BOOOOOOORING!!! Brey
kicked off the trip, and he's got some weird fucked-up germ thing
that we didn't understand. The same guy who was licking a pole on
Bourbon Street a night earlier now refused to touch anything with
his bare hands, so he used napkins as a "barrier" between
wheel and the iPod.
none of us figured we'd ever be in New Orleans again (or, at least
we hoped that we wouldn't), we figured we should look for
a place that serves gumbo before we hit the road. Our quest led
us to the South Side Cafe. In addition to having the gumbo
that we wanted, the restaurant also had a plethora of women
with enormously large breasts. And for Brey, they served balls
several hours of Brey the Safety Nazi driving, Scotty
took the wheel. It was equally BOOOOOOORING. What the
fuck is the deal with concentrating on the road? That's so fucking
lame. Brey made the drive pretty fun, though, cuz he was in charge
of the iPod, so we got to hear awesome songs like "Puttin'
On The Ritz" by Taco. We also learned a lot about our new drummer's
likes and dislikes:
Tacos (the food)
Taco (the recording artist)
got into Atlanta pretty late (like 10:00pm). Right next to where
we were staying there was this crazy guy who killed his girlfriend
and had climbed
up on this huge crane. The major road through Atlanta was blocked-off,
and the guy was up there for 3-days with no food and water. At one
point he was doing chin-ups on the crane. That's so badass. The
cops had these helicopters blaring loud music and sirens so that
he wouldn't fall asleep on the crane and fall to his death. This
guy is my hero. It made the national
didn't have a show this evening, so as soon as we got to the hotel
we just headed out to a bar for what was supposed to be a relaxed
night of social drinking and taking it easy. Not so much....
wasn't drinking this evening, but he was snorting
coke. Scotty ordered some dang
quesadillas, and Deech, Scotty, and myself began drinking. This
place we were at had just recently opened, so they had some pretty
badass drink specials. We drank a lot, and I was shocked to see
the total on our bill, but the waitress
was insistent that we pay the bill in full.
closing out that bar, we went back to the hotel to drink. Brey was
still up, so he hung out with us, but continued to not drink. I
tried to offer
Deech a beer, but he decided to be a big girl and drink Mike's
Hard Lemonade. I was thoroughly
disappointed. Things started getting pretty drunk pretty quickly.
I was dancing to "Holla Back Girl" by Gwen Stefanie (1
and then there was a lot of weird humping
Sober Brey even got in on the action! (1
hotel had a free continental breakfast from 6-10, so earlier in
the night we got a 9:30 wake-up call with the mindset that we'd
wake up, get free breakfast real quick, and then go back to bed.
Well, at this point in the evening it was like 5:30am, so we cancelled
our wake-up call and figured that we could just have one more beer,
and that would take us to 6:00.
were we fucking fucked-up by that point. Due to being worn out from
all the humping and what not, Deech and Scotty passed out and didn't
make it to continental breakfast. Thankfully, Sober Brey was still
going strong, so he came with me to get food. We got to the lobby
at about 5:55 and the anticipation of the award-winning display
of rotting fruits and stale bagels was almost too much excitement
for Brey and I to handle (1
wait was definitely worth it! We got eggs
and carbohydrates (fuck
you, Atkins!), and it was the most fun I've had since driving
through the mountains with Deech during SuperTour
2004! I felt bad about violating Scotty and Deech earlier in
the night, so Brey and I decided to surprise them with a sample
of our super kick-ass breakfast (1
). We're the nicest bandmates ever!!!....even though, they didn't
seem to care (1
It was after 7am at that point, and since I couldn't really function
on any normal sort of level, it was bedtime.
7 - FRIDAY, MAY 27th, 2005
This was a pretty good day, overall - probably due in part to the
fact that it was the only other day on tour that we weren't crammed
in a van for half a day. We woke up early and hung
out by the pool in the morning. Since Brey hadn't drank at all
the night before, he was very "alive"
of energy. Brey is one of the best athletes that I know. After
lounging around, Deech, Scotty, and Brey went for dinner, but I
just stayed in and b
eat-off in their suitcases took a nap,
since I was running on less than 4-hours of sleep. They were nice
enough to bring me some Quizno's so that I wouldn't go hungry all
night. What a great bunch of guys! - I love them almost as much
as Scotty loves Queensryche.
had to head out to our
show at 10
High Club pretty early, but it was a really awesome place. There
was a nicer kinda yuppy bar upstairs, and then a sweet-ass downtrodden
rock club with a nice
stage downstairs. We played with this really talented and kick-ass
group of guys called The
Blackheadz from the local Atlanta area.
we got off stage, we met Laura.
She was a cool drunk chick who would do stuff that we asked her
to do, like stick
things in her mouth, text
message Deech, and let me look
at her boobs (well, after a
little persuasion). She also bought me a bunch of shots, which
made the remainder of the night a bit hazy, so I may need to cut
this update short!
left the bar, and Deech
drove home - but not before slamming Brey's
head into the door of the van. Scotty thought it was super-awesome.
Before going back to our hotel, we stopped at a bakery
for food. Drunk food is the best invention ever.
we got back to the hotel, we found out that I was the #3
hottest douchebag in the country, so (fueled by unbridled passion)
I began to make
out with myself. After that, we saw Bo
Bice and Carrie
Underwood being interviewed on CNN.
We're big fans
of Bo Bice, but we think Ryan Seacrest is a buttfucker.
However, seeing all of that Seacrest got Deech all hot and bothered,
so he jumped into some homoerotic
fun, since he missed out the night before. After that, we were
all worn out, so it was time for Brey to crawl
under his desk and the rest of us to hit the bed.
8 - SATURDAY, MAY 28th, 2005
This is the last night of tour. We were all getting pretty excited
about not having to see each other any more for a while. I got up
in the morning and was feeling particularly sexy, so I had Brey
take some more modeling shots for my portfolio. I decided to go
with a bathroom theme (1
of bathrooms, we stopped at the most disgusting fucking Hardee's
to ever grace the planet Earth, and in the bathroom there was a
hole. I shit you not. Yechhh!
much exciting was going on with the drive to Lexington, KY, so I
just decided to kick back and trip
my balls off again. With Brey the Safety Nazi asleep in the
back seat, Deech and I seized our opportunity to preach our views
of "living life on the edge" to Scotty. It didn't take
long for him to stop being a pussy and begin to enjoy doing things
while driving like text-messaging
movies on my laptop.
been staying at pretty average hotels for the most part throughout
our tour. So, I decided to book us at a badass
castle! Brey and Scotty didn't like the medieval rustic feel
that the hotel had. Some of their issues included:
well - I guess nothing is good enough for our little prima donnas.
We had time before our show to get some food, so we went to a conveniently-located
Cracker Barrel within walking distance. Brey got some pussy at the
Cracker Barrel, which was pretty cool (1
After eating what was probably our best meal since we left Chicago,
we went back to the castle to drink, pretty
ourselves up, and then head out to rock some asses off at the
show was VERY last-minute (we got it like 2-days prior), so we just
assumed the place would be a dump. We were definitely mistaken,
as it was easily the nicest
place we've played all tour (although, we didn't agree with
of their views). The stage
was huge, and there was an enormous disco
ball. There was also a super-nice beer
garden where Deech put on an awkwardly wacky 1-man
improv comedy set (he killed, Jerry - killed!). And
finally, there was a bunch of chicks with perfect
show was fun, and the bar gave us free shots while we were on stage,
so that was pretty cool. The management and employees of this bar
were probably the friendliest I've ever encountered (next to The
Mutiny, of course!). After the show, I was hitting on this giraffe,
but then Scotty totally cockblocked
me, and he ended up getting the giraffe's number. Stupid
Scotty. Scotty also couldn't get enough of Shooting Blanks,
so he bought a live recording of our show that night. Ha! - it must
be nice to have tons of money to throw away on garbage.
strange phenomenon happened when we got back to the castle after
the show. You see, when we first arrived (and up until the time
we left for the show that night), the place was TOTALLY
empty. But when we got back from the show at like 2am, there
was only ONE
open parking spot. Then the next morning when we woke up (only
like 5 hours later) the whole lot was empty
again! It's kinda fucked-up, and we thought we were hallucinating
just cuz we had drank so much the night before, but the photographic
evidence proves that people just like to hang out at castles when
it's dark outside.
after the show (as was the case with after every other show this
tour) we decided that we needed to eat some shit-ass food before
turning in. Waffle
House was right next door, so we walked there. I can't speak
for the other guys, but my breakfast burrito was pretty
eating, we went back to the room to drink the beer that we had there.
Deech didn't think that a refrigerator was an effective enough machine
to cool some bottles of beer on its own, so before we left he put
the beer in buckets of ice and then put them in the fridge.
a smart move. End of night. End of tour.
9 - SUNDAY, MAY 29th, 2005
1:39 PM - I'm in the van on the ride back to sweet
home Chicago as I type this. Brey cranked the AC in the castle because
he always needs to immerse himself in arctic temperatures, so we
didn't sleep very well, since the rest of us were fucking
freezing. We packed up, said goodbye to the
knights, and hit the road.
in all it was a good time, despite the strong homosexual overtones
here-and-there. We played a good amount of shows at decent venues,
Scotty didn't quit, Brey only dropped his pants twice, Deech didn't
take all our women since he was too busy text-messaging, and I didn't
get attacked by cougars.
miss miss not waking up next to a bunch of dudes every morning,
and I'll also miss having other states of being besides "drunk"
or "hungover", but other than that it'll be good to be
home. I hate you all. Hoffman...out!
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